The other day some guy called me a dumbass in the parking lot at Aldi. (Is dumbass one word or two? I mean jackass is one so I am guessing it is too, right?) I was there with Hudson. We ran in to buy a few things after a birthday party. I had just gotten into my car to pull out of my parking place and this guy in a really big truck pulled into the parking place next to me and honked. I couldn't tell what he was mad about. Our eyes met while I was backing out. He waved his hands at me like "Get out of here!" and then he called out "Dumbass!" I just backed out and drove away. I looked in my rear view mirror and he was flipping me off for a really long time. Like, a really long time.
I wondered all the way home what made him so mad. My best guess is that I was just getting into the car when he was pulling in and maybe my door was blocking some of his space. I don't feel defensive. I take no pride in my driving or parking skills. But, it really is true that I hadn't done anything wrong. It didn't make me mad when this guy called me that. It made me sad. It hurt my feelings. I got tears in my eyes over it. I don't know why. I didn't feel fear. I just felt sad that someone could get that mad so fast over something so stupid. I assume he was on edge for some reason that obviously had nothing to really do with me. I guess I was just in the path so he took it out on me.
That made me remember something that happened to me back in high school. I was out with a guy I was dating and we ran into some guy that he had issues with. Something cocky was said and suddenly it turned into the two of them screaming obscenities at each other. It was horrible and I hated it. I knew then (and it was sad because I was naive) that I would never marry him. Not because he screamed and swore, although that was part of it - more because I guess (when I think of it now) I expected his love for me to act like a balm against crazy, irrational, yelling. How could he behave like that with me right there? My presence didn't temper him. It was actually quite disappointing. I've never even seen a fist fight in real life (at least not up close or anything). I might suffer irreparable emotional damage if I did. I guess I'm pretty sensitive.
I guess the bottom line is that conflict makes me nervous. Is that weird? My parents were a lot of things but angry really wasn’t one of them so it’s just not a normal reaction for me. Even just being around people who have the tendency to get angry makes me anxious – it’s like being around a loaded gun. I find myself trying to make sure that things stay calm and that’s not always possible – like if we go to dinner and there is an issue with the food or if I am in the car with them and there is traffic – lord help me! It makes me so stressed out. Just writing this and talking about it makes my heart race a little. I don’t know why I am like that – but I am. I want to do everything I can to keep the boys from being “hot heads” as they grow up. Everyone has the right to an opinion or emotions but it should never be at someone else’s expense. Ever.
Just like I don’t get the deal with road rage. It’s stupid. I can’t stand to watch someone get so mad over another driver who has nothing to do with them. It like the most self-centered thing to me. Other people’s driving speed or lane choice has no personal baring on your life; so why even waste a single thought on it? I think it actually is probably a pretty good indicator of someone’s true personality and integrity. As new people enter my life; I am going to take notice of what happens behind the wheel. If they get angry and act crazy to complete strangers you can bet they are going to treat me the same way when the going gets tough.
I started thinking about the kind of people I want my boys to be when they grow up. I want them to be brave of course but I also want them to be passive in a good way. I want them to think through their issues and resolve them the “right” way. It takes a lot to get me to a level of true anger – honestly I have only had it happen a few times and they were in defense of my children and my marriage. For the most part I think I have a pretty level head. (even when being pushed way beyond reason within the past year) Mostly I have stayed, well, reasonable. I try very hard not to make any emotional decisions because the few that I have - I paid the price for dearly. The question really becomes now – how do I teach the boys to be level headed? Is that even something that you teach or is it something that is already part of who you are? I understand that everyone can learn a “better” way to handle their feelings but is there a way to teach the initial feelings and reaction that a person has?
