I love how God works.
I love how his timing is perfect.
Always. Even when it doesn’t feel
perfect; even when I can’t understand the reasoning. It’s perfect just the same. It’s the only thing in life that’s
perfect. He knows all. So many times I get caught red handed and
have to remind myself that I am not in control of this little thing called
life.
I used to get caught up in the perfection trap pretty
regularly. When I first “grew up” and
moved out I wanted so badly to have the “perfect” apartment, the “perfect” dog,
the “perfect” fiancé – the “perfect” life.
Honestly I was pretty pleased with it all – I felt like it was close to
perfection. The problem was that as
“perfect” as those things were – I never felt that I was perfect. It didn’t help matters that I married someone who was very much in the same perfectionist boat. I never felt I was good enough for him nor do
I think he felt good enough for me. I
wasn’t his dream girl and that was devastating.
It felt very obvious to me that I fell short of whatever his idea of
perfection was especially as the years passed.
We hurt each other and we built walls because of the hurt. I think that every relationship goes through
things like that – the trick is to break the walls back down. After years and years of that pattern - it
finally clicked with me but it was too late.
I let my walls down so low I nearly drown. But it was too little too late. It was a really low and lonely place. I was stuck there and God pulled me up as
only He could do. When I set my eyes on
Him things slowly started to change. I
had to be striped of everything to get to where I am today. To be able to see that I am a perfect child
of God and drop the never ending quest for what I thought was perfection. I had to lose it all to find it all. Life is so much easier without the weight of
perfection on my shoulders. What counts
is how God views me and that’s all that counts.
I saw a picture in a store the other day that said
“Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.” I looked it up and turns out it was Marilyn
Monroe who said it. I think that is very true.
When everything in my life fell apart – it changed who I was to the core
– when God helped me pull it back together everything was different but so much
better. I parent differently than I used
to, I love differently than I used to, I live life differently than I used
to. I don’t worry so much about what
others think anymore. I am sure that things are said
about me all the time – some true some false. I just don’t feel the need to defend them or discuss
them. Judging a person does not define
who they are, it defines who you are. (I have said that before but it was worth
saying again!) There are always going to
be people around who think they know the situation and truly have no idea. You can’t let those people
dictate how you feel about a situation or yourself. I
have learned you just have to love where you are at - right then and right there – just as things
are. We are all handed a different deck
of cards. I had to stop trying to live
my life to impress others or to appear perfect.
I am SO FAR FROM PERFECT and I am okay with that for the first time in
my life.
I love Roy and the place we are at right now in our relationship. We continue to spend more and more time
together alone and as a family. There
have been plenty of crazy kid situations and even through the madness of
raising four boys – we still want to figure this whole thing out and do it
together. It’s scary, it’s big, it’s
certainly not perfect – but some how that makes me love it even more. I love that out of the hard circumstances we
were both dealt we somehow found each other. I never expected to find
love wrapped up in a package like this – but here it is – crazy but good in
every way. I know that others will never see this as we do. They will want to judge and have opinions for
both of us. But at the end of the day we
know where our hearts are and that our focus is on God’s plan. It’s as real as real can
get - imperfect perfection!
