Neglected.

I hate to say it, but life has moved on from yesteryear – a man I used to know told me that and he was absolutely correct.  I have not had time to post on this poor old blog in months at this point!  Maybe that’s because I have been so busy, maybe it’s just because I don’t want to write on it anymore – honestly it’s probably both.  This blog seems to hold so much of our past and very little of our future. (“Our”- being me and the boys.)  I treasure our past – it was safe and comfortable until it wasn’t anymore, I am proud of what it was, but I am no longer living it - so it doesn’t really make sense to continue writing in this platform.  This blog no longer represents my life or the life of my boys which was the whole purpose!  I love blogging about them and sharing the stories of their lives to our friends and family.  But now the view has changed so very much.  This year has brought and will continue to bring many huge changes to their lives and mine.  I want to respect the past but leave it there; tucked away for my children when they grow-up and hopefully want to read about it.  I am going to leave it up for a while longer but I don’t plan to post to it anymore.  I have a blog that is private and I may just continue to write there for a while.  Maybe after the wedding I will start another public blog about our new view – one that will be in our forever future – one full of love and laughter and untold surprises – one that will tell a much different story than that of our past – one of four crazy boys at home – and lastly one of two people who were given very tough circumstances but trusted in God and in doing so found true love and lived happily ever after.

Imperfect Perfection

I love how God works.  I love how his timing is perfect.  Always.  Even when it doesn’t feel perfect; even when I can’t understand the reasoning.  It’s perfect just the same.  It’s the only thing in life that’s perfect.  He knows all.  So many times I get caught red handed and have to remind myself that I am not in control of this little thing called life. 

 I used to get caught up in the perfection trap pretty regularly.  When I first “grew up” and moved out I wanted so badly to have the “perfect” apartment, the “perfect” dog, the “perfect” fiancé – the “perfect” life.  Honestly I was pretty pleased with it all – I felt like it was close to perfection.  The problem was that as “perfect” as those things were – I never felt that I was perfect.  It didn’t help matters that I married someone who was very much in the same perfectionist boat.  I never felt I was good enough for him nor do I think he felt good enough for me.  I wasn’t his dream girl and that was devastating.  It felt very obvious to me that I fell short of whatever his idea of perfection was especially as the years passed.  We hurt each other and we built walls because of the hurt.  I think that every relationship goes through things like that – the trick is to break the walls back down.  After years and years of that pattern - it finally clicked with me but it was too late.  I let my walls down so low I nearly drown.  But it was too little too late.  It was a really low and lonely place.  I was stuck there and God pulled me up as only He could do.  When I set my eyes on Him things slowly started to change.  I had to be striped of everything to get to where I am today.  To be able to see that I am a perfect child of God and drop the never ending quest for what I thought was perfection.  I had to lose it all to find it all.  Life is so much easier without the weight of perfection on my shoulders.  What counts is how God views me and that’s all that counts. 

 I saw a picture in a store the other day that said “Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.”  I looked it up and turns out it was Marilyn Monroe who said it. I think that is very true.  When everything in my life fell apart – it changed who I was to the core – when God helped me pull it back together everything was different but so much better.  I parent differently than I used to, I love differently than I used to, I live life differently than I used to.  I don’t worry so much about what others think anymore.  I am sure that things are said about me all the time – some true some false.  I just don’t feel the need to defend them or discuss them.  Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are. (I have said that before but it was worth saying again!)  There are always going to be people around who think they know the situation and truly have no idea.  You can’t let those people dictate how you feel about a situation or yourself.  I have learned you just have to love where you are at - right then and right there – just as things are.  We are all handed a different deck of cards.  I had to stop trying to live my life to impress others or to appear perfect.  I am SO FAR FROM PERFECT and I am okay with that for the first time in my life. 

I love Roy and the place we are at right now in our relationship.  We continue to spend more and more time together alone and as a family.  There have been plenty of crazy kid situations and even through the madness of raising four boys – we still want to figure this whole thing out and do it together.  It’s scary, it’s big, it’s certainly not perfect – but some how that makes me love it even more.  I love that out of the hard circumstances we were both dealt we somehow found each other.  I never expected to find love wrapped up in a package like this – but here it is – crazy but good in every way.  I know that others will never see this as we do.  They will want to judge and have opinions for both of us.  But at the end of the day we know where our hearts are and that our focus is on God’s plan.  It’s as real as real can get - imperfect perfection! 

New Year - New Word!

My word for 2012 was SOAR.   I love that word - I have tried very hard to live that word.   I bought myself a little bird charm to keep my goal close to me and it worked.  Not fully but mostly!  There were days that I had to push hard and work my way back up, but it was worth it.  It's always worth it; to then feel the sweet release - to let go and be able to SOAR again for a while.  I think that is just how life is; work and reward go hand in hand.  The trick is to learn to appreciate it, feel it and own it.  2012 was full of some of the worst and best days of my life.  But I wouldn't trade it - I have grown so much, learned so much and found so much more out of it all.  I hated it for my children this year of a million changes; but I know that they also have grown in ways they would not have.  

I am excited to start a new year with more changes and more growth!  Who knows exactly what 2013 will hold for me and the boys.  I hope for nothing but good positive things for us!  And for the dark days that we will inevitably face I hope that we can be the "bright and shiny" in the muck.  I hope to continue to teach the boys to look to God in times of trouble and work more at extending grace whenever things aren't going our way.  

I was having a hard time picking a new word for this year until I stumbled across this quote -

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do." - Marianne Williamson

 

I just love this quote. I knew as soon as I read it.... my word for 2013 should be SHINE!

 

Shine can be both a verb and a noun and honestly I want to do both:

 

verb 

• To give forth or glow with light
• To distinguish oneself in an activity or a field; excel
• To be bright with reflected light; glisten; sparkle
• To be or appear unusually animated or bright, as the eyes or face or as feelings like happiness

noun

• A quality of brightness
• Excellence in quality or appearance; splendor

I want to glow with God's love from within.  I want to allow myself to be truly be happy - not be held back with baggage.  I want to be like the girl Alicia Keys and Rhianna are singing about.  I want to be on fire.  I want to shine bright like a diamond!  I used to have that quality but somewhere along the way I grew dim.  I got scared, I pulled back - I forgot how to let go and trust.  This very moment starts a new way of thinking for me.  Shine on.