Tractors, Trucks, Trains, Lots of Love and Boy Things: December 2011

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Raw

I haven’t written anything on my blog the past few months and I hate that. My situation is just so hard right now and truly there is nothing new to say about it. At this point, it kinda just feels like groundhog day every day. I have so many posts that are just too raw to share - too deep and too personal. Not sure how to write things any other way so that makes it hard when every aspect of my life is in this place right now. Every event that should be special and fun was just kinda “phoned in” for me this holiday season. Which is so sad but the honest truth. I can’t write in fake smiles and so it’s not fair to Scott and it’s not fair to the boys to talk so openly about the day to day right now. I am broken but I am making it and am working on my faith – trusting for a better tomorrow. My favorite verse right now is Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I am leaning on God for the strength to be the best mom I can be right now. Everything I did this holiday season was for the boys and I am so grateful and blessed to have had them to enjoy and watch. They really are the bright and shiny in my life right now. So full of life and so excited about all things big and small. Day by day, step by step – I know that eventually this all will pass.

We signed a contract on the house a few weeks ago which is bittersweet but really such a relief. I am ready to move forward and the house has to sell for me to be able to do that. We should close on 1/31 and the boys and I will move in with Nana for a few months. I haven’t really even started looking for a place yet. We want to stay close to our schools so that makes it a challenge. I don’t want to just settle – I want to find a super cute little place for us so I am not going to rush. The boys are doing remarkably well through everything. Maybe as hard as all of the gradual changes have been for me, they have been a good thing for them? I would rather just rip off the Band-Aid and get moving but I feel like slowly adjusting to life as two separate families has been a good thing. They are beginning to get used to idea of “mom’s nights” and “dad’s nights” and going places with just one of us. It’s sad and it’s hard but it’s happening and we are all learning the ropes as we go.