I seem to be in such a weird spot these days. I either have too much time on my hands or not enough hands for the task! When the boys are home I feel like I am spread too thin and when they are gone I have too much free time! Too much of anything is never a good thing…

Living with my mom has been great. I plan to stay with her for a few months and save as much money as I can. But there are two big problems in living with her – learning to be a single parent and learning to live alone; neither of which can be done while I am at her house. How can I ever learn to really do it on my own if I have help? Not that she has stepped in and taken over or anything like that. But in those crazy times when one kid is in the tub and the other is wondering the house or when it’s raining and I have to get four bags of crap loaded in the car along with the kids, or my appointment runs late and someone needs to be picked up – she has been there to jump in and bail me out. It’s been so nice and I am very grateful but I cannot depend on her for that kind of stuff forever. Maybe I should just start thinking of it as training wheels – like I am slowly getting this new lifestyle down and I have a safety net to catch me when I fall? And really it’s not just me that has to figure this single parent stuff out – the boys have to learn it too. I am beginning to realize how much we have always done for them. We have never let them get their own snack or pour the milk or pick out their own clothes. It just hasn’t happened yet. There is part of me that has a hard time letting go. We are at another fork in the road where it’s time to loosen the reigns. It’s messy to let kids learn and it takes more time to let them do it. In the moment it’s easier to just keep doing things for them. But obviously in the long run that doesn’t benefit anyone. They must to take on some additional responsibility in this new family dynamic. They are fully capable of putting away their lunch boxes and back-packs after school. Putting their shoes up when they kick them off. Remembering their library book or item for show ‘n tell! Getting a pencil and starting homework without me pulling it out and having it ready to go at the kitchen table. There are a million of these simple little things that they could and should be doing. I feel like I spend hours each day running crazy - picking up, pulling out, packing up, preparing. They are completely capable! We are going to have to learn to have patience and make some life changes to get use to our new “normal”.

I am so lucky to have Mom’s companionship and help right now. She has really been amazing and I feel so blessed to have this time at her house. It’s cozy there, it’s happy there, it’s loving there. To get my own house and make it a home seems like a big task. Honestly, I’m not sure that I have it in me to do it yet. But in living with her I am not learning how to be alone and be okay with it. Right now it seems even harder because I don’t have a house of my own to take care of – nothing that I have to maintenance or even just decorate. My normal “to do” list is a lot smaller. Getting dog food, an oil change and groceries seems like a piece of cake when it’s not coupled with kids or the rest of the normal things that it takes to run a household over the weekend. That leaves a lot of free time which is really odd for me. I have gotten pedicures, met friends for dinner, read books, shopped till I’ve dropped, but then what? I can’t just do that kind of stuff every other weekend for the rest of my life. I have to get real and get a life again – I’m not on vacation! I just really don’t know how to do that. How do you rebuild the only adult life you’ve ever known? I have never been alone and it’s so hard to change my negative view of my alone time. It’s kinda like when you are pregnant and everyone tells you to enjoy your alone time and gets lots of sleep. All you can think about is that baby and your future – who cares about alone time! Even though you try to take in the last of that time period; you wish it away! I feel like this is the same kind of thing. I am sure I will look back on it and think – why didn’t I just enjoy living with my mom and having the weekend “off”? But truly I feel lost and kinda goal-less without all of the normal responsibilities. It’s always nice that very first night without the boys because I can catch my breath but by day two I am so sad and homesick for my family. Plus I don’t want to get comfortable with this new life-style! My financial situation is not going to be like it is while I am sleeping in my mom’s guest bedroom! (Not to mention the point of staying here is to SAVE money not SPEND it!) If I learn to fill my time with money then I’m not really setting myself up for success. I just don’t know who I am anymore. My identity was all wrapped up in being a mom and wife. Without those things – just feels like there isn’t much left. I never realized that about myself until now. I always felt like I was pretty well rounded but that really wasn’t the case at all. I started a new bible study and I am hoping that through doing the study I will start to find me. I am such a “doer” in life and I used to think it was just because I was a motivated person. I always have a “to-do” list a mile long and I fill up my time with it. Why is that? I see for the first time that I have always operated like this – it’s a crutch for me. I hide from God and from myself with my list, instead of just meeting Him in the unknown - I avoid it. I understand now how people end up with addictions, or mounds of debt, or in the wrong relationship – it’s the same reason I always have a “to-do” list. We are trying to fill that void instead of figuring out why the void is there in the first place. My to-do list is no different of a “filler” than the girl that settles for Mr. Wrong to avoid loneliness, or the guy that smokes pot every day to escape his reality. People do it because they are lonely/confused/unsatisfied/lost… there are a million different reasons why. All the reasons seem different but at the end of the day they all lead back to that same action. They somehow think that “things” are going to fix them. I am very guilty of doing that – especially the past month. I have to change that – dig deep, find God’s plan for me. My eyes are wide open.