"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13).
Day by day my life continues to improve – day by day things in the boys’ lives continue to improve. Our worlds were rocked – the changes were massive; but we survived and are starting to thrive again! I loving refer to last winter as “the sweatshirt period”. I went to Target and bought five sweatshirts (okay they may have had a collar or hood but truly they were still just stupid sweatshirts) and literally wore them for a few months. Dressing up or doing anything other than putting on a sweatshirt and jeans was out of my capabilities at that point. I just didn’t care. I was in survival mode. I have come so far from that point. Being on the other side of divorce and now helping in Divorce Care is such a humbling experience for me each week. When I see those men and women walk into our church doors for the first time in “sweatshirt mode”, I know their pain. I still feel that pain – just in much smaller doses now! I try to provide compassion and a glimmer of hope in a time of such hopelessness. That is what my coordinators did for me and I will be forever grateful to my church for providing a program to help me during my time of need. I strongly believe in the outreach programs my church participates in. It is our job as the body of Christ to provide support to those who are overwhelmed, under-resourced and far away from Jesus. We should try our best to be like Jesus to those who so desperately need to find Him.
Not only has my faith been forever changed by my circumstances but now I see how it affected the boys’ faith too. Last week Nolan asked Jesus to be his savior while we were lying in bed talking about what it truly means to be a Christian. I didn’t expect for him to fully understand our discussion on faith and salvation but by the end of our heart to heart I knew he did. My sweet boy prayed his own little prayer of salvation and it was beautiful. I am so happy I was with him when he took that step of faith. I don’t think there could be a more rewarding moment as a parent. I cannot wait to see what God has planned for his life!
We are faithfully trusting each step as the Lord continues to lead us through down this new path. We have spent the summer doing all the normal summer things but on a much smaller scale. I know this has been an adjustment for the boys. There are a lot of reasons for the smaller scale – the biggest factor is time, but of course money and bandwidth also play a role. I am a single parent now. That changes the dynamic of everything for our little family. As far as time goes – I never feel like there is enough of it! Invites and impromptu plans often don’t work out because they always seem to pop up opposite of my custody. It makes me sad when the boys miss out or I miss out; but that is just one of the realities of divorce. Even home activities like filling up the pool for the backyard get messed up because of timing. The boys will ask on a Thursday and I find myself explaining they will be gone all weekend and tell them we will have to wait until the next weekend and then the weather doesn’t cooperate! So even a simple thing like playing in the pool is delayed for weeks. How stupid – but again it is just a circumstance of this new life. What I mean by bandwidth is just simply the ratio of parents to kids. Life is just a little more hectic now when it’s two to one! I often feel stretched thin but it’s getting better. I still make plans for us – it just has to be carefully thought through now. Big things like a family vacation would be out of the question for me at this point. I just don’t think I would feel safe to travel with just us. What if something happened to me or someone gets hurt or ill? No one wants to think like that, but it’s a real concern. And of course our financial situation have greatly changed – no need to explain that! So as much as I would like to say that life is “easy” or back to normal – they aren’t and honestly never will be 100% again. That is still hard to accept sometimes.
I understand why people jump straight into relationships after divorce. (Like all of the hardships listed above – it seems so easy to dive right into something else and avoid them.) Things just seems easier with a partner and it’s nice to have someone to do life with! It is hard to accept the reality of doing it on your own. I think doing “life” alone first is important though – I missed that step when I moved from my parent’s house to an apartment with Scott. I need this time now to work on being whole as a single person. Truly it’s freeing in a way I never expected. Each little step has been a critical part of healing and growing. Being single in God’s eyes means to be separate, unique, and whole. To be single means you are separate from everyone else, and you are unique in yourself-which means you recognize there's no one like you, and you have worth within yourself. To be single means you are whole all on your own; you don't depend on other people to make you somebody. Until a person is completely single in these three areas, his or her relationships will always be a problem. If you aren’t “whole” as a single person then you are depending on another person to complete you instead of just complimenting you. No person can “complete” you. They are meant to compliment the individual person you already are – to become your partner. If you are expecting them to complete you, then you are setting yourself up to fail in the relationship. You have to have your own identity - not one that is wrapped up in the activities and hobbies of someone else. Like those people who just morph into whomever they are in the company of. The same thing happens in relationships if they don’t walk into it knowing who they already are on their own. I know from going through all of this that I am truly whole on my own as a single person.
I read an article where Dr. Les Carter said, "Many times folks ask, 'Is there a particular period of time that I should wait before I get into other relationships?' Time isn't really the major factor. Rather, it's knowing yourself and your motivations, and knowing who you are and why you want a relationship." I thought a lot about this when I read it. Do I know who I am and do I know why I want a relationship? Yes. I know exactly who I am through and through. I am so strong now. I am no longer living in the “sweatshirt phase” – hopeless, scared, sad and broken. I have overcome that period with help from God, my friends and my family. I have been through a lot on my own… packing and moving (twice) – living in my new little place - learning to be a single parent – figuring out and managing finances – having car trouble – going to weddings/showers/parties – going to church and growing in my faith – running a household – handling all of life’s ups and downs. And I did them ALL ON MY OWN - ALONE! Every day I am stronger, smarter and more brave than the day before. Every day I prove to myself that I can do this and that I can do it well. I am so proud of this life I am building. Nothing about it is perfect – but I am giving it my best effort and love it. I am fulfilled beyond belief with what the Lord has provided for me. To date someone at this point is simply icing on the cake to my crazy busy life!
