Smarty Pants

Just a little post to brag about Nolan. We received his test scores back from school and he is brilliant!  : ) He is reading on a fourth grade level. (I think it was a 4th grader in their 6 month of school – but I don’t have it with me to confirm the exact month.)  A full 2 years ahead - crazy! Also, he scored higher than 90% of other students his age nationally on the tests. We always knew that Nolan was a smart toddler but I guess as he gets older it just seems so normal. I don’t really think of him being advanced anymore. I mean, I know he doesn’t struggle but I wasn’t thinking much about it. He brought home Bram Stoker’s Dracula as one of his library books last month – which was really funny and random. We read it together and it was actually pretty scary. I’m not sure if other 2nd graders are picking out books like that! He also asked if we could start reading the Harry Potter books and I tried to put him off a little longer because those are huge! I don’t want to get into something that is too ahead and for him to feel discouraged. Anyways, just thought it was note worthy!

Random Pictures

I realize I haven't posted any pictures in a while. I have only taken a few and they are all with my phone and mostly posted to Facebook. Figured I should through them on here too. :) Astraea came to play and stay the evening last month and this is a pic of all three fast asleep...so sweet.

What Roxy did to our fence when she was left outside during a showing last month - ugh.

Cutest little kisser fish at the vet...

Legos, legos, legos...

This is a whole post on it's own. Oh Nolan.

Nolan walking home from Hudson's house (a different Hudson who lives down the street.)

The start of packing...

Hudson held his nose the entire time we were at the Chinese buffet for Aunt Paula's 50th b-day.

UTA Planetarium Pics

Pics from Aunt Debbie's b-day dinner...

Pics from Science Night at Nolan's school...

And poor Roxy laying in Tinkerbell's bed...had to get her a new dog bed asap!

January

The last month was completely consumed with packing and moving. It was such a huge task to get everything sorted, split, packed and moved to storage. It took weeks to really get everything done. It seemed like every time I thought I had a room finished there were three more boxes of crap to pack! It was never ending. We had a big garage sale the first weekend in January. It was a last minute decision because I heard that the weather was going to be in the 70’s. (Little did I know it would be warm all month!) I felt like we should just get it done in case it was snowing the next week! (you never know in Texas) I took off Thursday and Friday and got everything pulled out. Scott helped get things out of the attic and set up everything for the sale. I seriously could not believe how much was up in the attic! He was joking saying it was like straight up hoarders! (And it kinda was!) It really felt good to go through everything and clear out all of the clutter.

One thing was obvious from packing. I have to get control of my pictures. I think prob 50% of the boxes I packed have pictures in them. There were 4x6’s in every drawer, every cabinet and every closet. It’s crazy! I need to go through and collect all of them and put them in albums so that we can enjoy them. I also really would like to take the time to scan all of the non-digital pictures. It really is one of those things that haunt me. I worry that we will have a fire or flood or something and I will lose them forever. Pictures are my most favorite thing in the world. I would be devastated to lose them. Right now they are packed away safe in storage…eeek! At least I hope so! I also found a ceramic nativity scene set that Granny and I had poured but then I got pregnant with Nolan and have never made the time to sand, fire, paint and glaze it. My whole family on my dad’s side has the same set. Like thirty years ago my Granny got into ceramics and made sets for everyone. Well when I moved out I wanted to have a set like theirs so Granny helped me hunt down a ceramics shop that still had the molds for the same set. She helped me make mine and I chose to do it a little different. Everyone else’s are washed with brown and accented in touches of gold. I made my set washed with grayish black and accented in silver - they are the same but with my own spin on it. I love them. I am so glad that I made them with Granny. We worked on them one night a week for months. I had planned to make a set for Becca and Michelle and give it to them when they got married but it just never happened. I would really like to do them now that I am going to have more free time.

We donated tons of stuff because as I was packing I started to freak out about where it was all going to go and how I would every fit into a duplex or what not with everything. We had tons and tons of closet space and cabinets so I tend to keep everything just in case I ever needed it again. Ugh. I really can’t even blame it all on kid crap (although there was plenty of that too) it was craft stuff, wrapping stuff, shower stuff, platters and punch bowls – you name it; I probably had it. Like I said, it really did feel good to go through it and do a clean sweep! My mom has been absolutely amazing this past month; she helped with loads to the storage and even came with my uncle and moved my furniture while I was at work. It was so awesome. I had everything out of the house and either packed in storage or taken to mom’s house by Sunday the 22nd. That night the boys and I officially moved to mom’s house. Scott stayed at the house that last week and moved all of his stuff to a townhouse last weekend.

I cleaned the house from top to bottom once the house was empty. The house looked so “used” once everything was out and I hated that. I scrubbed the carpets, cleaned the oven, gave extra attention to all of the floors and baseboards and worked the house over with a magic eraser. Since almost all of the woodwork in our house is painted white there was a lot to wipe down. I do have to say that those little magic erasers are pretty amazing and probably my favorite cleaning product. I left Saturday feeling pretty satisfied with leaving the house – like everything was finally done. On Sunday the boys and I went to church and then went and bought the new owners a little present and a “welcome home” card. We stopped by the house to drop it off that afternoon. Within the five minutes we were there, Hudson managed to choke and puke on the back porch one last time. With absolutely nothing there for us to clean it up, I guess they were also welcomed with an extra little present. : ( We paid respect to Daisy buried in the backyard for the final time and literally kissed the house goodbye. It was sad but it was good closure for all of us.

We closed on Tuesday as planned and everything went perfectly. I thought I would be a basket case but it was really just more of a huge relief. It has been such a long slow process and something that had to happen for us to be able to move forward. I am just thankful that we were able to be there through the holidays and that pricing wise it all worked out perfectly. I love our realtor; she is a good friend and was very helpful every step of the way. Another chapter finished.

Next Wednesday, February 8th is our court date. Scott doesn’t even have to be there so I guess actually it’s just my court date. At 8 am I will go in and stand before the judge and finalize the divorce. I have to get up and give a statement and literally ask for him to dissolve the marriage. I am very nervous/sad/stressed about doing this. I want to be brave and strong and just get through it. I know it’s going to be a hard day but I am praying for another day like closing where it goes smoothly. I have had friends offer to go with me but honestly it’s something I would rather do without an audience. I think it will be more emotional if I have my mom or a friend there – you know? Scott has said that he will go and I am kinda on the fence about that too. On one hand, I feel like we should both be there and have to experience it - but will that make it harder for me? I just don’t know. I guess I will leave that one up to him and if he wants to go then he will and if he doesn’t then I am going to trust that’s what’s best for me and just go and get it done.

Counting My Losses

I miss my old life. I miss date nights. I miss hanging out with other couples and their kiddos on a Friday night. I miss softball games and being one of the wives. I miss that secure feeling of being in a relationship. I miss dreaming of the future – a future of growing old together and becoming grandparents. I miss family outings and vacations. I miss our friends. I miss sharing details about my day and all the little insignificant things that happen in life. I miss having a team approach to everything – finances, purchases, plans, parenting. I don’t want to be the odd man out when hanging with everyone else who is married. I hate feeling like everyone else in the world has a “person” except me. I am sad that I don’t have a spouse to love me through the ups and downs of life. I am tired of feeling sad, mad, broken, pitiful. Just the thought of doing life alone is horrifying to me. I miss cuddling. I miss getting excited to cook a new recipe or try a new restaurant because the boys certainly don’t care. I miss having someone to rub my feet and make me feel better after a bad day. I miss giggling with someone about something funny that the boys do. I miss saying “we”…do you know how hard it is to change everything to “I”? I miss watching tv with someone and talking about a good episode. I miss someone keeping me in check and being teased about silly things. I hate going to church alone, sitting by myself in a pew and then not having anyone to share the awesomeness about the sermon with on the car ride home. Day after day there is another little “something” that I realize is no longer there. The physical stuff is obvious – our home, half the furniture, family pictures… it’s a rough task to actually “split” all your possessions. But the non-physical things are what really matter – those are the things that shock me daily. It’s just all so broken and lonely. I try to focus on the good things around me. I know that I will be a better person when I come out on the other side of all of this but right now it’s just hard to see any “good” in it. I just honestly cannot believe how deep the hurt really is most of the time. A friend that went through divorce a few years ago said that it’s heartbreak to the core of who you are. I am sure very much like the sudden death of a spouse. I get that now. Except that instead of being quick and final – it drags on for months and then you still have to face that loss week after week. You constantly have the reminder that you failed, they failed… it failed. Most of the time I try to gloss it over and stay positive. No one really wants to hear about the broken. People ask how I am doing but truly they want to hear that I am “doing okay” and “taking it day by day” and “things are slowly getting better”. To hear anything else is uncomfortable for them and for me. What could possibly be said if I am honest? What can they do to really help me with any of the above losses? Nothing – I know that and they know that. Only God can pull me through it and even that is a hard concept for me to really get. Someone suggested writing down and acknowledging all of the losses from my situation which is why I started this post in the first place. They said that by writing them down and acknowledging them, as hard and as dark as that might be – I can learn from it and later mark my growth from this point. I tend to try to not dwell in the dark because it really is just too much to handle. But as I made the list I gained a different perspective on doing it. I think the real point of the exercise is to realize that the loss IS too big for me to fix on my own. No one can repair a broken heart except for the One who created it in the first place. I am trusting in the Lord to mend it and teach me as I heal. Help me to learn from the loss, accept responsibility in this divorce and truly come to grips with it so I can move forward. It’s slowly happening. I am stronger, I am learning and I am trying to hear His voice as I take each new step.

My Word for 2012

I have been thinking a lot about my “word” for this year. I just could not seem to settle on one word until today. I wanted it to be something to remember each day, something to help me be a better person, something to live by for this new year. 2012 will be full of transition and changes. I have no real plan for my future. By that I mean, I have lots of ideas of things I would like to do and accomplish but as for a concrete plan of action – there isn’t one just yet. That is so weird for me. I have never been in a position like this before. No one to answer to, no one to consult about the “hows” or “whys” of my future and what I choose to do with it. I can run my household completely on my own terms. I know that I will choose for it to be a household full of love, full of learning and full of fun. We will have rules and consequences but we will balance it with compassion and understanding for each other. There will be a learning curve to everything we do this year as our new family of three evolves from our old family. I will have to learn how to discipline on my own and to try to make the best possible decision for each challenge that pops up. I know that Scott will always be there for the big things and our families will always be my sounding board behind the scenes but I have to hit the front lines alone for the first time. It’s just me on “my days” with the boys. I have to learn to depend on God to help me through it and go to Him in ways I have not in the past. It’s going to take the phrase “praying for my children” to a whole new level! : ) My dear friend Tannie gave me a static cling that has the verse “The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:17-18 I have it hanging in my office and I read it every day. I have felt so crushed over the past year. I know that the Lord is carrying me right now and that is the only way I am making it. I know that the wheels are in motion for a new path. I feel secure that He will guide me through all of this! Some days I feel sad and scared, some days I feel anxious – it’s a daily struggle. My word for this year is “SOAR”. Looking at the word, it seems a little odd. I even had to double check the spelling because it didn’t look right to me when I first typed it. I think this word encompasses all that I want for 2012.

Here is the definition:
• To rise, fly, or glide high and with little apparent effort.
• To climb swiftly or powerfully.
• To ascend suddenly above the normal or usual level: Our spirits soared.

Right now I feel like every step I take is a struggle, every decision is hard…I want that to change – I want it to feel easy – I want to give it to God and trust that I am making the right choice. Worrying is awful and time consuming and really does nothing for the situation. I am tired of being stuck in the worry trap! I want to glide through this transitional phase. I want for the boys and I to stay focused on what really matters. I want to feel the weight of this past year fall off my shoulders and to feel myself soar again. I know this will not be an instant thing but I also know the power of positive thinking and prayer. Starting today, this very moment, I am going to keep my new word close to my heart and remember it each day.

12 in 12 Project - January

12 Questions for our family to answer each month on the 12th day of the month.  Random, simple, funny - just a little slice of our life.


We ate this for breakfast: Cherry Toaster Strudels

This is on our agenda: The boys had school and I took the day of to start packing!

This made us laugh: Hudson trying on all of the mittens and gloves from the closet.

Last thing we purchased was: Packing Tape and Cheetos

This is our favorite song: Nolan’s is Lonely Boy and Blue Orchid, Hudson’s is Helena Beat and Mine is Lotus Flower Bomb.

We watched this on TV: We had a movie night and watched the Secret of Nimh (80’s throw back – one of my old favorites!)

This is what we are reading: Nolan’s library book – Bran Stoker’s Dracula (Random but good)

We are looking forward to: The big move to Nana’s house at the end of the month.

We ran these errands: Went to Little Wal-Mart after school to buy packing tape and snacks.

We ate this for dinner: Papa John’s Cheese Pizza with Garlic Butter - YUMMO

Today we celebrated: Getting lots of stuff cleaned out and packed!

We are grateful for: Netflix because we didn’t have to leave the house to rent a movie!

Raw

I haven’t written anything on my blog the past few months and I hate that. My situation is just so hard right now and truly there is nothing new to say about it. At this point, it kinda just feels like groundhog day every day. I have so many posts that are just too raw to share - too deep and too personal. Not sure how to write things any other way so that makes it hard when every aspect of my life is in this place right now. Every event that should be special and fun was just kinda “phoned in” for me this holiday season. Which is so sad but the honest truth. I can’t write in fake smiles and so it’s not fair to Scott and it’s not fair to the boys to talk so openly about the day to day right now. I am broken but I am making it and am working on my faith – trusting for a better tomorrow. My favorite verse right now is Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I am leaning on God for the strength to be the best mom I can be right now. Everything I did this holiday season was for the boys and I am so grateful and blessed to have had them to enjoy and watch. They really are the bright and shiny in my life right now. So full of life and so excited about all things big and small. Day by day, step by step – I know that eventually this all will pass.

We signed a contract on the house a few weeks ago which is bittersweet but really such a relief. I am ready to move forward and the house has to sell for me to be able to do that. We should close on 1/31 and the boys and I will move in with Nana for a few months. I haven’t really even started looking for a place yet. We want to stay close to our schools so that makes it a challenge. I don’t want to just settle – I want to find a super cute little place for us so I am not going to rush. The boys are doing remarkably well through everything. Maybe as hard as all of the gradual changes have been for me, they have been a good thing for them? I would rather just rip off the Band-Aid and get moving but I feel like slowly adjusting to life as two separate families has been a good thing. They are beginning to get used to idea of “mom’s nights” and “dad’s nights” and going places with just one of us. It’s sad and it’s hard but it’s happening and we are all learning the ropes as we go.