Time really does heal all things. It is slow but eventually the new becomes the known and life moves forward. Many things factor into healing. I think you first have to accept and grieve the reality of the situation. I worry that I’m not “doing it right” when I feel happy - but when I look back at my life a year ago verses today, I know I am working through this just as I should be.
The divorce was final four months ago but true beginning of the end started almost a full year prior to that. I know the exact moment I accepted it and truly let go; it was months after it started. It was September 4th (one day after our 11 year anniversary) driving home from Dallas after the most awful lunch experience I have ever had. (and it had nothing to do with the food or the restaurant) It was awkward, uncomfortable and painfully obvious that Scott was a million miles away from me even though he was sitting across at the table. I just couldn’t understand why. I still don’t. Then and there in that car ride home I realized that he was no longer mine. That all the months of back and forth had to come to an end – there had been so many “trys” given on both sides. I just didn’t have it in me to wait for him to snap back and want to “try” one more time – so I said the unthinkable and he never even blinked before agreeing. I just let him go. My heart shattered and I cried the whole way home over the finality of the situation that had been going on for so long.
My life is in such a better place now than it was a year ago but it’s still hard; just in a different way now. I am now hitting the year mark on so many things - sad little anniversaries. The month of May was very emotional for me and I was not expecting that. It seems like every holiday or event that passes now has such a dark memory attached from going through it last year. I have never had that happen before – all of my holiday and special events had always had happy years prior! There was so much uncertainty last year; I spent months in agony and prayer waiting to see what was going to happen to my life. It was an awful year and they were hard holidays.
I am so thankful for those hard times now as I look back on it. Without them I wouldn’t be able measure my progress. I can see how much I have grown from those points. It’s still very painful to think back to last year and I can’t help but have this little sense of dread as each birthday and holiday happens. t makes me relive that dark period a little bit and I hate thinking back to it. Divorce (or loss of any kind) does this – it takes so much from you and continues to take even as time passes. It’s not cut and dry and over when you say so. It is slow and hard – anyone who thinks divorce is the “easy way” could not be more wrong! That doesn’t mean you wont heal from it but it takes a lot of work – years of work and at that point couldn’t you have just worked to repair the marriage?!? (Anyways that’s another subject completely!) Thankfully each time we have celebrated a holiday it’s been nothing like last year’s! Is it perfect – NO, but is it better – YES! Last year even watching other people celebrate their holidays was too hard for me! All I ever wanted in life was to have a sweet little family of my own – who was I without that? To begin to accept the loss of that dream was really just not doable at that point. It took months to begin to accept the loss and like I said the finality of it. I am still working on it.
I guess the point of all of this is to mark how far things have come since all of those events last spring and summer. I am so unbelievably happy with my life right now. I have AMAZING friends and family. My life really is so sweet most days and I think it's because of my focus on God and His plans for me. Of course there is still the occasional drama but I really mostly try to attack the problem head on and then let it go and not let it ruin or take away from all the good stuff! My boys are my world and we together are working it out and getting our groove. I am so thankful for our progress and for all the blessings big and small that God has given to us! God is good all of the time. Even in the dark times. Those dark times have to take place so that you can begin to notice the sun again and appreciate the little rays of sunshine as they peep out of the clouds. I have been so happy and felt such peace in my heart the past few months – so much of that turmoil is gone and I am so grateful.
