Well I am not even sure where to really start this post. So many thoughts are swirling through my head these days. Let's just start with today. Today marks eight years since my dad passed away. Eight years. That seems incredible. Time passes so quickly! I feel a little blindsided when I really stop and think about it. I miss my dad but mostly I miss the "what could have been" for him. To see him as a grandfather to Nolan and Hudson would have been awesome. To think of him being a part of my everyday life and to be there for holidays. It's so sad on what he has missed. Such amazing blessings have been bestowed on our family and he wasn't around to enjoy it. I wonder what changes would have happened in my parents life if he was still alive. Like, would they have sold the big house and bought Mom's little country house just the same? I wonder how my sister's lives would be different too. It's sad. I hate that he's gone and almost feel mad at him for not being here.
My life is so busy - full of kids stuff, adult stuff, work stuff and family stuff. I feel like I have gotten better about living in the moment but the problem with living in the moment is having a second to stop and think about the past. I am sure I frustrate everyone I know with my unanswered texts and unreturned phone calls but that's just how I choose to spend my time. I hate being interupted. So if you are spending time with me at least you can know that usually it's quality time. I rarely even pull my phone out of my purse when I am out and when I'm home I leave it in the car half the time. The only real time I have for phone calls is in the car and since I am not going to text and drive (I hate texting anyways) I have limited phone time. :) And nothing bothers me more than when people are too glued to their phones to even notice what's going on in their own moments. I'm sure there is a happy medium but I haven't found it yet!
Today life is hard for me. I am a planner through and through and right now I have so many uncertainites that I am finding it hard to focus on anything. I try to just take it step by step and day by day. I am so sad and I am so hurt. I know that the Lord is carrying me through because there is no way I would be able to be this strong without Him. Just when I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces, he shows up with reinforcements. It's been five months of back and forth with Scott. He loves me, he loves me not. How can someone just quit on a promise that was suposed to be forever? I know it's not been easy for him (hense all the back and forths) but at the end of the day you have to ask yourself - in or out? For me it's in...all in. Even with all the incredibly selfish things that have happened in our marriage from each of us the past few months - I know that Scott is supossed to be the one I should be with. I love him even with our differences. We are very different personality types and have different baggage but we have grown up together and built this life together. I feel it deep in my bones that we were made for each other; even when life isn't easy. I know that God is in control and that ultimately His will WILL be done. Maybe there is a bigger piece of the puzzle that I can not yet see but I know He can.
