Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Eric and Ashley's Reception
Eric and Ashley's reception was so much fun. They of course know how to throw a good party - yummy food, margarita's and a photo booth. They were married in Hawaii two weeks ago and had the reception back home this week. I am so happy for them and this new little life they are starting together! Can't wait to see what their future holds!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Heck No, We Wont Go!
Hudson loves Wednesday church...can't you tell? This is him refusing to leave!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Waste of Time/Letting Go
Yesterday I had a bad day. There was no particular reason for my bad day which is when it throws me for a loop the most. I started down a path of thinking that just leads to stress and anger and sadness. Nolan got sick at school so I left the office early to go get him, we picked up Hudson from MiMi’s and headed home. I mandated “quiet time” since he came home early from school. Laying on the couch I almost fell asleep. I guess because I actually had a little time on my hands I started to think about all of the random information people feel the need to tell me about on a regular basis. I don’t go around asking for this kind of stuff yet people over and over again call me or bump into me and ask questions about things I know nothing about or tell me things I certainly don’t want to hear. It’s hurtful and such a hard position to be in over and over again. I understand that people think that somehow it helps me or that it’s “just gossip” but to me it’s not “just gossip” – it’s my life. And the truth is that actually it’s not my life anymore so it really doesn’t serve any purpose to talk about what others do or who they are with. I find myself in some sort of trap that I can’t get my mind out of. I feel like a detective waiting for my next clue. Just when I had mentally worked myself into a huge mess the phone rang - it was Scott calling to check on Nolan. Somehow after the small talk about Nolan our conversation went to a place that it shouldn’t have. I broke down; crying and angry. I demanded information that I really didn’t want to hear. WHY did I do that to myself? There are lots of things I will never understand about my current situation but going round and round with him certainly doesn’t change any of it. I also took some bad advice from a very smart person. I thought that by following their advice I would somehow find some healing or closure. It actually just left me feeling more “wronged” by multiple parties. Through all of this I have sat back and said nothing – focusing my thoughts and words only on myself and my feelings as I go through this. I have tried my very best to respect others and to just move forward not talking about the obvious. I have let mean and terrible things be said to me and about me. For the first time in all of this – I felt the urge for revenge. I wanted to somehow make others hurt the way I was hurting. They don’t care about my feelings so why do I keep protecting and caring about theirs? Just when I was in the thick of those thoughts, I got a blog feed email and it said –
“Sometimes being sad or mad over stuff like this is a complete waste of time.
I’ve mulled her statement over in my mind a hundred times. It’s good. It’s truth.
Indeed there are things to be sad about… but so much of what pulls at my emotions isn’t worth the time and energy I give it.
I love this verse from James 1:19-21 in the Message:
Post this at all the intersections, dear friends. Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation garden of your life.”
After reading that I was whipped back into reality! It reminded me of a sweet note that my PaPa sent me last month about letting it go. I first applied it to my relationship and I think I have let that go - now I need to apply it to other situations. I have to let them go and give it to Him to handle. The words were so true from minister T.D. Jakes of the Potter’s House…
“There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over.
Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains………… LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth….. LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you..... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude….. LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better…… LET IT GO!!!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him…….. LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship……. LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves…… LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed……………… LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to….. LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2012!!
LET IT GO!!! THIS IS GOD’S BATTLE!”
I love my PaPa so much – he is not typically the kind of person to send that kind of thing, but over the past year he has sent me a few little clips from the newspaper and different messages that apply perfectly to my current situation. It has meant the world to get little positive reinforcements from him through all of this. This IS God’s battle and I don't need to worry myself with it. I have told myself that every single time I am in a position where I could take the path spite.
I know what I need to do and most days I think I am doing it. I have to stop that “stinking thinking” in its tracks when it starts. I know I’m making progress but when I allow myself to think about the past I feel like I am transported right back to last summer. I read in my Divorce Care devotional that you will know you are moving forward when you realize that you are spending more time on thoughts of the present instead of thoughts of the past. I can see that and I am slowly doing that. It also said that you will know you are ready to date again when you aren’t looking for someone to “rescue you” (from your loneliness, your financial situation or your life stage) because you are okay with who and where you are. This is something I really needed to hear because honestly that is exactly what I would love right now. I always joke that I want a millionaire to show up and sweep me off my feet. That shows exactly where I am at this point. The actual thought of falling in real love again seems like such a fantasy that he might as well be a millionaire too. : ) I am thankful I recognize my progress and that God reminds me of it each day. I am healing it’s just slow.
“Sometimes being sad or mad over stuff like this is a complete waste of time.
I’ve mulled her statement over in my mind a hundred times. It’s good. It’s truth.
Indeed there are things to be sad about… but so much of what pulls at my emotions isn’t worth the time and energy I give it.
I love this verse from James 1:19-21 in the Message:
Post this at all the intersections, dear friends. Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation garden of your life.”
After reading that I was whipped back into reality! It reminded me of a sweet note that my PaPa sent me last month about letting it go. I first applied it to my relationship and I think I have let that go - now I need to apply it to other situations. I have to let them go and give it to Him to handle. The words were so true from minister T.D. Jakes of the Potter’s House…
“There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over.
Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains………… LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth….. LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you..... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction…… LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude….. LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better…… LET IT GO!!!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him…….. LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship……. LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves…… LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed……………… LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to….. LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2012!!
LET IT GO!!! THIS IS GOD’S BATTLE!”
I love my PaPa so much – he is not typically the kind of person to send that kind of thing, but over the past year he has sent me a few little clips from the newspaper and different messages that apply perfectly to my current situation. It has meant the world to get little positive reinforcements from him through all of this. This IS God’s battle and I don't need to worry myself with it. I have told myself that every single time I am in a position where I could take the path spite.
I know what I need to do and most days I think I am doing it. I have to stop that “stinking thinking” in its tracks when it starts. I know I’m making progress but when I allow myself to think about the past I feel like I am transported right back to last summer. I read in my Divorce Care devotional that you will know you are moving forward when you realize that you are spending more time on thoughts of the present instead of thoughts of the past. I can see that and I am slowly doing that. It also said that you will know you are ready to date again when you aren’t looking for someone to “rescue you” (from your loneliness, your financial situation or your life stage) because you are okay with who and where you are. This is something I really needed to hear because honestly that is exactly what I would love right now. I always joke that I want a millionaire to show up and sweep me off my feet. That shows exactly where I am at this point. The actual thought of falling in real love again seems like such a fantasy that he might as well be a millionaire too. : ) I am thankful I recognize my progress and that God reminds me of it each day. I am healing it’s just slow.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I seem to be in such a weird spot these days. I either have too much time on my hands or not enough hands for the task! When the boys are home I feel like I am spread too thin and when they are gone I have too much free time! Too much of anything is never a good thing…
Living with my mom has been great. I plan to stay with her for a few months and save as much money as I can. But there are two big problems in living with her – learning to be a single parent and learning to live alone; neither of which can be done while I am at her house. How can I ever learn to really do it on my own if I have help? Not that she has stepped in and taken over or anything like that. But in those crazy times when one kid is in the tub and the other is wondering the house or when it’s raining and I have to get four bags of crap loaded in the car along with the kids, or my appointment runs late and someone needs to be picked up – she has been there to jump in and bail me out. It’s been so nice and I am very grateful but I cannot depend on her for that kind of stuff forever. Maybe I should just start thinking of it as training wheels – like I am slowly getting this new lifestyle down and I have a safety net to catch me when I fall? And really it’s not just me that has to figure this single parent stuff out – the boys have to learn it too. I am beginning to realize how much we have always done for them. We have never let them get their own snack or pour the milk or pick out their own clothes. It just hasn’t happened yet. There is part of me that has a hard time letting go. We are at another fork in the road where it’s time to loosen the reigns. It’s messy to let kids learn and it takes more time to let them do it. In the moment it’s easier to just keep doing things for them. But obviously in the long run that doesn’t benefit anyone. They must to take on some additional responsibility in this new family dynamic. They are fully capable of putting away their lunch boxes and back-packs after school. Putting their shoes up when they kick them off. Remembering their library book or item for show ‘n tell! Getting a pencil and starting homework without me pulling it out and having it ready to go at the kitchen table. There are a million of these simple little things that they could and should be doing. I feel like I spend hours each day running crazy - picking up, pulling out, packing up, preparing. They are completely capable! We are going to have to learn to have patience and make some life changes to get use to our new “normal”.
I am so lucky to have Mom’s companionship and help right now. She has really been amazing and I feel so blessed to have this time at her house. It’s cozy there, it’s happy there, it’s loving there. To get my own house and make it a home seems like a big task. Honestly, I’m not sure that I have it in me to do it yet. But in living with her I am not learning how to be alone and be okay with it. Right now it seems even harder because I don’t have a house of my own to take care of – nothing that I have to maintenance or even just decorate. My normal “to do” list is a lot smaller. Getting dog food, an oil change and groceries seems like a piece of cake when it’s not coupled with kids or the rest of the normal things that it takes to run a household over the weekend. That leaves a lot of free time which is really odd for me. I have gotten pedicures, met friends for dinner, read books, shopped till I’ve dropped, but then what? I can’t just do that kind of stuff every other weekend for the rest of my life. I have to get real and get a life again – I’m not on vacation! I just really don’t know how to do that. How do you rebuild the only adult life you’ve ever known? I have never been alone and it’s so hard to change my negative view of my alone time. It’s kinda like when you are pregnant and everyone tells you to enjoy your alone time and gets lots of sleep. All you can think about is that baby and your future – who cares about alone time! Even though you try to take in the last of that time period; you wish it away! I feel like this is the same kind of thing. I am sure I will look back on it and think – why didn’t I just enjoy living with my mom and having the weekend “off”? But truly I feel lost and kinda goal-less without all of the normal responsibilities. It’s always nice that very first night without the boys because I can catch my breath but by day two I am so sad and homesick for my family. Plus I don’t want to get comfortable with this new life-style! My financial situation is not going to be like it is while I am sleeping in my mom’s guest bedroom! (Not to mention the point of staying here is to SAVE money not SPEND it!) If I learn to fill my time with money then I’m not really setting myself up for success. I just don’t know who I am anymore. My identity was all wrapped up in being a mom and wife. Without those things – just feels like there isn’t much left. I never realized that about myself until now. I always felt like I was pretty well rounded but that really wasn’t the case at all. I started a new bible study and I am hoping that through doing the study I will start to find me. I am such a “doer” in life and I used to think it was just because I was a motivated person. I always have a “to-do” list a mile long and I fill up my time with it. Why is that? I see for the first time that I have always operated like this – it’s a crutch for me. I hide from God and from myself with my list, instead of just meeting Him in the unknown - I avoid it. I understand now how people end up with addictions, or mounds of debt, or in the wrong relationship – it’s the same reason I always have a “to-do” list. We are trying to fill that void instead of figuring out why the void is there in the first place. My to-do list is no different of a “filler” than the girl that settles for Mr. Wrong to avoid loneliness, or the guy that smokes pot every day to escape his reality. People do it because they are lonely/confused/unsatisfied/lost… there are a million different reasons why. All the reasons seem different but at the end of the day they all lead back to that same action. They somehow think that “things” are going to fix them. I am very guilty of doing that – especially the past month. I have to change that – dig deep, find God’s plan for me. My eyes are wide open.
Living with my mom has been great. I plan to stay with her for a few months and save as much money as I can. But there are two big problems in living with her – learning to be a single parent and learning to live alone; neither of which can be done while I am at her house. How can I ever learn to really do it on my own if I have help? Not that she has stepped in and taken over or anything like that. But in those crazy times when one kid is in the tub and the other is wondering the house or when it’s raining and I have to get four bags of crap loaded in the car along with the kids, or my appointment runs late and someone needs to be picked up – she has been there to jump in and bail me out. It’s been so nice and I am very grateful but I cannot depend on her for that kind of stuff forever. Maybe I should just start thinking of it as training wheels – like I am slowly getting this new lifestyle down and I have a safety net to catch me when I fall? And really it’s not just me that has to figure this single parent stuff out – the boys have to learn it too. I am beginning to realize how much we have always done for them. We have never let them get their own snack or pour the milk or pick out their own clothes. It just hasn’t happened yet. There is part of me that has a hard time letting go. We are at another fork in the road where it’s time to loosen the reigns. It’s messy to let kids learn and it takes more time to let them do it. In the moment it’s easier to just keep doing things for them. But obviously in the long run that doesn’t benefit anyone. They must to take on some additional responsibility in this new family dynamic. They are fully capable of putting away their lunch boxes and back-packs after school. Putting their shoes up when they kick them off. Remembering their library book or item for show ‘n tell! Getting a pencil and starting homework without me pulling it out and having it ready to go at the kitchen table. There are a million of these simple little things that they could and should be doing. I feel like I spend hours each day running crazy - picking up, pulling out, packing up, preparing. They are completely capable! We are going to have to learn to have patience and make some life changes to get use to our new “normal”.
I am so lucky to have Mom’s companionship and help right now. She has really been amazing and I feel so blessed to have this time at her house. It’s cozy there, it’s happy there, it’s loving there. To get my own house and make it a home seems like a big task. Honestly, I’m not sure that I have it in me to do it yet. But in living with her I am not learning how to be alone and be okay with it. Right now it seems even harder because I don’t have a house of my own to take care of – nothing that I have to maintenance or even just decorate. My normal “to do” list is a lot smaller. Getting dog food, an oil change and groceries seems like a piece of cake when it’s not coupled with kids or the rest of the normal things that it takes to run a household over the weekend. That leaves a lot of free time which is really odd for me. I have gotten pedicures, met friends for dinner, read books, shopped till I’ve dropped, but then what? I can’t just do that kind of stuff every other weekend for the rest of my life. I have to get real and get a life again – I’m not on vacation! I just really don’t know how to do that. How do you rebuild the only adult life you’ve ever known? I have never been alone and it’s so hard to change my negative view of my alone time. It’s kinda like when you are pregnant and everyone tells you to enjoy your alone time and gets lots of sleep. All you can think about is that baby and your future – who cares about alone time! Even though you try to take in the last of that time period; you wish it away! I feel like this is the same kind of thing. I am sure I will look back on it and think – why didn’t I just enjoy living with my mom and having the weekend “off”? But truly I feel lost and kinda goal-less without all of the normal responsibilities. It’s always nice that very first night without the boys because I can catch my breath but by day two I am so sad and homesick for my family. Plus I don’t want to get comfortable with this new life-style! My financial situation is not going to be like it is while I am sleeping in my mom’s guest bedroom! (Not to mention the point of staying here is to SAVE money not SPEND it!) If I learn to fill my time with money then I’m not really setting myself up for success. I just don’t know who I am anymore. My identity was all wrapped up in being a mom and wife. Without those things – just feels like there isn’t much left. I never realized that about myself until now. I always felt like I was pretty well rounded but that really wasn’t the case at all. I started a new bible study and I am hoping that through doing the study I will start to find me. I am such a “doer” in life and I used to think it was just because I was a motivated person. I always have a “to-do” list a mile long and I fill up my time with it. Why is that? I see for the first time that I have always operated like this – it’s a crutch for me. I hide from God and from myself with my list, instead of just meeting Him in the unknown - I avoid it. I understand now how people end up with addictions, or mounds of debt, or in the wrong relationship – it’s the same reason I always have a “to-do” list. We are trying to fill that void instead of figuring out why the void is there in the first place. My to-do list is no different of a “filler” than the girl that settles for Mr. Wrong to avoid loneliness, or the guy that smokes pot every day to escape his reality. People do it because they are lonely/confused/unsatisfied/lost… there are a million different reasons why. All the reasons seem different but at the end of the day they all lead back to that same action. They somehow think that “things” are going to fix them. I am very guilty of doing that – especially the past month. I have to change that – dig deep, find God’s plan for me. My eyes are wide open.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Month Two of 12 in 12...
Twelve little questions for the 12th day of the month for 2012 - February Edition
We ate this for breakfast: Donuts and sausage rolls from Common Grounds coffee bar at church. (We actually got there early enough to do this and the boys think it’s cool.)
This is on our agenda: Get our Valentine’s Day cards purchased, filled out and either in the mail or ready for school!
This made us laugh: This little sock monkey that plays Pitbull’s “You Know I Want Ya” - the boys thought it was hilarious. They would press it over and over again while dancing “sexy” all afternoon. It was super annoying to listen to that clip of the song 700 times, but super funny to watch my white boys try to dance!
Last thing we purchased was: A case of Monster, a loaf of bread and candy for the boys v-day cards from Target.
This is our favorite song: Nolan’s is “Come as You Are” by Nirvana, Hudson’s is “Candy Girl” by New Edition and both boys are loving “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO. Nice, eh? Two random oldies and one current hit.
We watched this on TV: Documentary about Whitney Houston’s life and then had to follow it up with a serious discussion about heart disease and drug use. : (
This is what we are reading: Nolan’s new Star Wars books and all of the Disney Classics; mom has a set of all of the Disney stories so we have been reading them and it’s really sweet because the boys have never even watched half of the movies. I told them we are going to have to rent them! (We read Snow White last night and they actually both listened and liked it.)
We are looking forward to: Valentine’s Day (at least they are!)
We ran these errands: I took pictures of the boys in Nana’s yard and we went to get them printed to put in all the grandparent’s cards and we had to go let PeeWee out a few times.
We ate this for dinner: Left-overs from Pappasitos
Today we celebrated: The Amayas/Selfs/Ryans are all in Hawaii for Eric and Ashley’s wedding – so I guess we celebrated that from sleeting, cold Texas via text! So happy for them and can’t wait to party with them next week at the reception!
We are grateful for: A lazy Sunday!!
We ate this for breakfast: Donuts and sausage rolls from Common Grounds coffee bar at church. (We actually got there early enough to do this and the boys think it’s cool.)
This is on our agenda: Get our Valentine’s Day cards purchased, filled out and either in the mail or ready for school!
This made us laugh: This little sock monkey that plays Pitbull’s “You Know I Want Ya” - the boys thought it was hilarious. They would press it over and over again while dancing “sexy” all afternoon. It was super annoying to listen to that clip of the song 700 times, but super funny to watch my white boys try to dance!
Last thing we purchased was: A case of Monster, a loaf of bread and candy for the boys v-day cards from Target.
This is our favorite song: Nolan’s is “Come as You Are” by Nirvana, Hudson’s is “Candy Girl” by New Edition and both boys are loving “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO. Nice, eh? Two random oldies and one current hit.
We watched this on TV: Documentary about Whitney Houston’s life and then had to follow it up with a serious discussion about heart disease and drug use. : (
This is what we are reading: Nolan’s new Star Wars books and all of the Disney Classics; mom has a set of all of the Disney stories so we have been reading them and it’s really sweet because the boys have never even watched half of the movies. I told them we are going to have to rent them! (We read Snow White last night and they actually both listened and liked it.)
We are looking forward to: Valentine’s Day (at least they are!)
We ran these errands: I took pictures of the boys in Nana’s yard and we went to get them printed to put in all the grandparent’s cards and we had to go let PeeWee out a few times.
We ate this for dinner: Left-overs from Pappasitos
Today we celebrated: The Amayas/Selfs/Ryans are all in Hawaii for Eric and Ashley’s wedding – so I guess we celebrated that from sleeting, cold Texas via text! So happy for them and can’t wait to party with them next week at the reception!
We are grateful for: A lazy Sunday!!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Life By Music
Music is a powerful thing. It can instantly change the mood of a situation. For me it helps me to connect with my emotions, live through a happy moment and sad event – whatever life brings my way. I love that about it. Tuesday was an emotional roller coaster for sure. First of all, I thought the court date was on Wednesday and luckily looked back at the paperwork on Monday. At first I was thinking it was Tuesday the 8th – when I figured out the 8th was a Wednesday I just assumed that I was wrong on the Tuesday part. I guess she said Tuesday at 8 and I converted that to the 8th. In any case, it was yesterday and I am just so thankful we didn’t miss it.
I was pretty much a nervous wreck right up until time to walk into that court room. I had never even been in a court room before yesterday! Scott was there and we just muddled through it. It was sad and hard and all of the things you would think a divorce hearing would be. Walking down the last flight of stairs and towards the door my heart just began to race. Like as I was leaving is when it really sunk in what just happened. I walked outside and had an awkward goodbye with Scott and dashed across the street to my car. Getting in I could feel the emotions bubbling into my throat. I started the car and the radio was blaring “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen…seriously?!? Of all the songs in the world, it was so random and suddenly hit me as funny. My mood went from almost tears to alright – I got this! The next song was Rod Stewart “If you think I’m Sexy” which again was random. I almost wanted a sappy song so I started flipping channels only to find nothing but upbeat, happy crap. I guess that was God’s way of telling me – not today – today you are going to be strong! It set the tone for me and I went on an really enjoyed the day as much as possible. Breakfast and a little shopping, pedicure and lunch with my mom, picked up the boys from school, it was nice weather so we walked next door and fed the goats (there are two little babies right now – so cute!), watched The Sandlot and then when it was about time for Scott to come and pick them up I left and met up with friends for margaritas. In a weird way, it was actually a good day. I was constantly reminded of how much love and support I have even with this huge loss. I am so thankful for God’s provision.
Getting in the car after dinner I instantly felt alone. I just sat there and said a quick prayer thanking the Lord for my family and friends. I was suddenly reminded that I am not alone – that He is always with me, even when others are not. The radio was off so I flipped it on wondering what I would hear. It was still on the oldies station and I guess at 9 pm every night they play parts of live concerts from different artists and guess who was playing?!? Paul McCartney – AMAZING! Live and Let Die had just started…
When you were young
And your heart was an open book
You used to say, "Live and let live"
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
I connected to the song in a way I never had before. I said another little prayer thanking Him for the perfect song and then in perfect timing the next song from the concert started…
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here (don't keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I cried sweet tears the rest of the way home. It was perfect – perfect timing, perfect fulfillment of my needs in that moment. I went home and was able to sleep soundly for the first time in months. No more “what-ifs” or worries about how everything would end up. What’s done is done. There is something very settling about that now and I am at peace.
I was pretty much a nervous wreck right up until time to walk into that court room. I had never even been in a court room before yesterday! Scott was there and we just muddled through it. It was sad and hard and all of the things you would think a divorce hearing would be. Walking down the last flight of stairs and towards the door my heart just began to race. Like as I was leaving is when it really sunk in what just happened. I walked outside and had an awkward goodbye with Scott and dashed across the street to my car. Getting in I could feel the emotions bubbling into my throat. I started the car and the radio was blaring “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen…seriously?!? Of all the songs in the world, it was so random and suddenly hit me as funny. My mood went from almost tears to alright – I got this! The next song was Rod Stewart “If you think I’m Sexy” which again was random. I almost wanted a sappy song so I started flipping channels only to find nothing but upbeat, happy crap. I guess that was God’s way of telling me – not today – today you are going to be strong! It set the tone for me and I went on an really enjoyed the day as much as possible. Breakfast and a little shopping, pedicure and lunch with my mom, picked up the boys from school, it was nice weather so we walked next door and fed the goats (there are two little babies right now – so cute!), watched The Sandlot and then when it was about time for Scott to come and pick them up I left and met up with friends for margaritas. In a weird way, it was actually a good day. I was constantly reminded of how much love and support I have even with this huge loss. I am so thankful for God’s provision.
Getting in the car after dinner I instantly felt alone. I just sat there and said a quick prayer thanking the Lord for my family and friends. I was suddenly reminded that I am not alone – that He is always with me, even when others are not. The radio was off so I flipped it on wondering what I would hear. It was still on the oldies station and I guess at 9 pm every night they play parts of live concerts from different artists and guess who was playing?!? Paul McCartney – AMAZING! Live and Let Die had just started…
When you were young
And your heart was an open book
You used to say, "Live and let live"
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
Live and let die
I connected to the song in a way I never had before. I said another little prayer thanking Him for the perfect song and then in perfect timing the next song from the concert started…
The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to your door.
The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way.
Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried,
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried.
And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door.
But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long, long time ago (ohhh)
Don't keep me waiting here (don't keep me waiting)
Lead me to your door. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I cried sweet tears the rest of the way home. It was perfect – perfect timing, perfect fulfillment of my needs in that moment. I went home and was able to sleep soundly for the first time in months. No more “what-ifs” or worries about how everything would end up. What’s done is done. There is something very settling about that now and I am at peace.
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