Time flies. My babies are getting older by the minute and I can’t seem to slow any of it down. Our time is divided. Our time is precious. My heart feels empty each time they are away. I have good company and good distractions during those times – truly God provides even when he takes away. I know this for a fact. But it doesn’t stop that pit from coming and those feelings from feeling. I miss my life when I don’t have them and now I miss my other life when I do have them. Times are hard even when life is so good. Full of contradictions – wish I knew how to get used to it. I am blessed beyond measure but I want more or should I say I want it all. But is more ever really enough? I feel like I am living two lives at all times now. Will it always feel that way? Will my two lives become one and be harder or easier? How can I be so happy but so scared at the same time? Scared to love, scared to lose, scared to share, scared to mix it all together. I think the scariest part is that in the moment it’s not scary at all. Not. One. Bit. It’s good, it’s happy, it’s complicated, it’s honest – is it really real? I thought I knew real before. Lots of prayers and lots of taking it slow. Hurry up and wait. What is it exactly that I am waiting for again? You spend all this time building your life – it should be with who really matters. When it’s right – you just know it. You love them for who they really are and they love you the same way back – not for all the things you wish you were, think you are, or should be – love without conditions and expectations. It’s hard to accept yourself just the way you are – flawed but beautiful, strong but oh so weak. I find myself defenseless a lot these days. By defenseless I don’t mean I don’t have a defense – I am just not going to continue to defend the same things over and over again – it’s just too painful and honestly it's pointless. I read something about a month ago that truly changed me. Setting boundaries in a healthy way is when we set a boundary and we let go of the outcome. That was huge for me to realize. These boundaries have been set and what happens is because of their actions not because of mine. In the moment, I have to step back and remember to just stay out of the conflict – not get sucked in, not let it become my problem, not fix it, not defend it, not argue it – do nothing. It doesn’t suddenly make me the bad guy for sticking to boundaries that were mutually agreed to. And the biggest thing is that I have to just have to be okay with whatever people want to think about me. I feel like at some point actions really do just have to speak louder than words. I am so very proud of how I have handled even the worst of circumstances. I never threw mud even though there were a lot of times I wanted to. I gave more than I had to and it still wasn’t enough – it never would have been. If you think you are always the victim then in your head you are. It’s not mine to cheerlead or think positively for anymore. Just like the little sign says in my kitchen "Happy is What You Make It - Always Has Been, Always Will Be." So true. Life certainly isn’t fair but I know I was. It’s over, no one got more or better – everyone lost big time. Let it be. I am focused on what really matters - all that matters. The rest is junk that will fade away.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Random Rambling
Time flies. My babies are getting older by the minute and I can’t seem to slow any of it down. Our time is divided. Our time is precious. My heart feels empty each time they are away. I have good company and good distractions during those times – truly God provides even when he takes away. I know this for a fact. But it doesn’t stop that pit from coming and those feelings from feeling. I miss my life when I don’t have them and now I miss my other life when I do have them. Times are hard even when life is so good. Full of contradictions – wish I knew how to get used to it. I am blessed beyond measure but I want more or should I say I want it all. But is more ever really enough? I feel like I am living two lives at all times now. Will it always feel that way? Will my two lives become one and be harder or easier? How can I be so happy but so scared at the same time? Scared to love, scared to lose, scared to share, scared to mix it all together. I think the scariest part is that in the moment it’s not scary at all. Not. One. Bit. It’s good, it’s happy, it’s complicated, it’s honest – is it really real? I thought I knew real before. Lots of prayers and lots of taking it slow. Hurry up and wait. What is it exactly that I am waiting for again? You spend all this time building your life – it should be with who really matters. When it’s right – you just know it. You love them for who they really are and they love you the same way back – not for all the things you wish you were, think you are, or should be – love without conditions and expectations. It’s hard to accept yourself just the way you are – flawed but beautiful, strong but oh so weak. I find myself defenseless a lot these days. By defenseless I don’t mean I don’t have a defense – I am just not going to continue to defend the same things over and over again – it’s just too painful and honestly it's pointless. I read something about a month ago that truly changed me. Setting boundaries in a healthy way is when we set a boundary and we let go of the outcome. That was huge for me to realize. These boundaries have been set and what happens is because of their actions not because of mine. In the moment, I have to step back and remember to just stay out of the conflict – not get sucked in, not let it become my problem, not fix it, not defend it, not argue it – do nothing. It doesn’t suddenly make me the bad guy for sticking to boundaries that were mutually agreed to. And the biggest thing is that I have to just have to be okay with whatever people want to think about me. I feel like at some point actions really do just have to speak louder than words. I am so very proud of how I have handled even the worst of circumstances. I never threw mud even though there were a lot of times I wanted to. I gave more than I had to and it still wasn’t enough – it never would have been. If you think you are always the victim then in your head you are. It’s not mine to cheerlead or think positively for anymore. Just like the little sign says in my kitchen "Happy is What You Make It - Always Has Been, Always Will Be." So true. Life certainly isn’t fair but I know I was. It’s over, no one got more or better – everyone lost big time. Let it be. I am focused on what really matters - all that matters. The rest is junk that will fade away.
