Father’s day is such a bittersweet holiday for me. It’s been almost 7 years since my dad passed away. Even as I type that, I can not wrap my head around it. My dad was such a fun guy and I really miss the love and laughter from him that was always a constant in my life. I know he would have adored the boys and it is truly so sad that he missed that part of life. My mom says that too all the time – it’s like he spent all his life working and never made it to the next stage in life to reap the rewards of all his hard work. He was a good provider for my mom and us girls. We never went without and always had more than our share. My mom ran the house and loved us to pieces but my dad made it fun. He had the best sense of humor - always playing tricks and telling jokes. Scott loved my dad and always said he was “cool” which is actually a really good way to describe him. There was something about him that drew you in – he was the perfect balance of playful and smart. He was a guys’ guy yet had a sweet side for his three girls. I often wonder how different our lives would be if he were still here. I hate that my mom lost her soul mate and had to pick up the pieces and carry on without him. Nothing can prepare you for how it feels to lose a parent and especially to then watch the other parent live through it. It is the most heartbreaking and hardest thing I have ever been through. I still get very upset about it when I start to really think about her point of view. For us, we were able to continue on with our little lives, as they were just starting. She was left alone…why? Why did that happen to our family? Why did it happen to my mom? I don’t know God’s plan for me or my family but I do know that God’s will is perfect. I have been able to find comfort in knowing that, but it’s still not easy.
The silver lining in my father’s death was the birth of Nolan. I can’t remember if I have ever written about this. Scott and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year when my dad died. He knew how badly we wanted a baby. I think we conceived Nolan the night my dad passed away. We got a call that night after we had already gone to bed from the police saying that I needed to come to my parents house. They told me that my dad had had a heart-attack and we needed to come and get my mom and meet the ambulance at the hospital. I of course freaked out! We quickly got up and headed to their house. We got there so fast the ambulance was still there! The police told us to go ahead and leave for the hospital because the ambulance would of course still probably beat us. The next few weeks were a blur – family and friends took care of us. I practically moved in at my mom’s because I didn’t want her to be alone for even a second. I didn’t even really notice that I was late. When I finally stopped to think about it I really just assumed it was stress. I had not even been home, let alone had sex since my dad had died the month prior. I knew the “ins and outs” of my cycle since we had been trying for months and knew that I “should have” ovulated a full week after he passed. I knew there was no way I was pregnant. A few weeks later when I still had not started, I decided to buy a test just to make sure. I even re-did the math and again knew that I couldn’t be – BUT I WAS. It was a crazy, crazy thing to see a positive test…the best possible news at the worst possible time. I wasn’t ready to be happy, I wasn’t ready to tell my grieving family, I wasn’t sure this could even be right. We decided to not tell anyone until I went to the dr and it was official. The dr had a hard time pinpointing my due date because the baby was about three weeks ahead but I just knew that couldn’t be right based on my cycle. He stuck with what I told him and my due date was set for June 17, 2004. We had dinner with all our family and told them the news. Everyone was of course so happy, yet you could feel the sorrow too. It was such an amazing blessing and gave us all something to celebrate. My mom was so supportive and wonderful through my whole pregnancy. Nolan came three weeks before his due date. He was a full term healthy 7 pounds and 8 ounce baby, the NICU was there when he was born and called in just in case there were any complications since his was early but I remember the nurse saying “this baby wasn’t early – I think your due date was just off”. My dad passed away exactly 10 months prior to Nolan’s birth date and a woman is pregnant for 40 weeks or 10 months! I really think that Nolan was our little angel sent from God to help us through our loss. I have watched a lot of friends and family lose loved ones since my father’s death. My heartbreaks all over again each time it happens. But I have a different outlook on life and death now. I truly believe in the saying “When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window”. I think He does and Nolan is the proof. The hard part about that statement is that it doesn’t always happen so profoundly. Sometimes it’s hard to quit going to the closed door. We end up being stuck behind door but if we just would look around we might see the light coming through the window down the hall. While it may not be the way we wanted to go, it still might be more refreshing than being stuck in a dark room.
Father’s day always falls close to my original due date so for some reason I think a lot about our miracle during this time every year. I think about the loss of my father but how in that - Scott became a father. Scott is an amazing daddy to our boys with many of the same characteristics as my dad. They are blessed with a great daddy and so was I.
