Imperfect Perfection

I love how God works.  I love how his timing is perfect.  Always.  Even when it doesn’t feel perfect; even when I can’t understand the reasoning.  It’s perfect just the same.  It’s the only thing in life that’s perfect.  He knows all.  So many times I get caught red handed and have to remind myself that I am not in control of this little thing called life. 

 I used to get caught up in the perfection trap pretty regularly.  When I first “grew up” and moved out I wanted so badly to have the “perfect” apartment, the “perfect” dog, the “perfect” fiancé – the “perfect” life.  Honestly I was pretty pleased with it all – I felt like it was close to perfection.  The problem was that as “perfect” as those things were – I never felt that I was perfect.  It didn’t help matters that I married someone who was very much in the same perfectionist boat.  I never felt I was good enough for him nor do I think he felt good enough for me.  I wasn’t his dream girl and that was devastating.  It felt very obvious to me that I fell short of whatever his idea of perfection was especially as the years passed.  We hurt each other and we built walls because of the hurt.  I think that every relationship goes through things like that – the trick is to break the walls back down.  After years and years of that pattern - it finally clicked with me but it was too late.  I let my walls down so low I nearly drown.  But it was too little too late.  It was a really low and lonely place.  I was stuck there and God pulled me up as only He could do.  When I set my eyes on Him things slowly started to change.  I had to be striped of everything to get to where I am today.  To be able to see that I am a perfect child of God and drop the never ending quest for what I thought was perfection.  I had to lose it all to find it all.  Life is so much easier without the weight of perfection on my shoulders.  What counts is how God views me and that’s all that counts. 

 I saw a picture in a store the other day that said “Sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.”  I looked it up and turns out it was Marilyn Monroe who said it. I think that is very true.  When everything in my life fell apart – it changed who I was to the core – when God helped me pull it back together everything was different but so much better.  I parent differently than I used to, I love differently than I used to, I live life differently than I used to.  I don’t worry so much about what others think anymore.  I am sure that things are said about me all the time – some true some false.  I just don’t feel the need to defend them or discuss them.  Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are. (I have said that before but it was worth saying again!)  There are always going to be people around who think they know the situation and truly have no idea.  You can’t let those people dictate how you feel about a situation or yourself.  I have learned you just have to love where you are at - right then and right there – just as things are.  We are all handed a different deck of cards.  I had to stop trying to live my life to impress others or to appear perfect.  I am SO FAR FROM PERFECT and I am okay with that for the first time in my life. 

I love Roy and the place we are at right now in our relationship.  We continue to spend more and more time together alone and as a family.  There have been plenty of crazy kid situations and even through the madness of raising four boys – we still want to figure this whole thing out and do it together.  It’s scary, it’s big, it’s certainly not perfect – but some how that makes me love it even more.  I love that out of the hard circumstances we were both dealt we somehow found each other.  I never expected to find love wrapped up in a package like this – but here it is – crazy but good in every way.  I know that others will never see this as we do.  They will want to judge and have opinions for both of us.  But at the end of the day we know where our hearts are and that our focus is on God’s plan.  It’s as real as real can get - imperfect perfection! 

New Year - New Word!

My word for 2012 was SOAR.   I love that word - I have tried very hard to live that word.   I bought myself a little bird charm to keep my goal close to me and it worked.  Not fully but mostly!  There were days that I had to push hard and work my way back up, but it was worth it.  It's always worth it; to then feel the sweet release - to let go and be able to SOAR again for a while.  I think that is just how life is; work and reward go hand in hand.  The trick is to learn to appreciate it, feel it and own it.  2012 was full of some of the worst and best days of my life.  But I wouldn't trade it - I have grown so much, learned so much and found so much more out of it all.  I hated it for my children this year of a million changes; but I know that they also have grown in ways they would not have.  

I am excited to start a new year with more changes and more growth!  Who knows exactly what 2013 will hold for me and the boys.  I hope for nothing but good positive things for us!  And for the dark days that we will inevitably face I hope that we can be the "bright and shiny" in the muck.  I hope to continue to teach the boys to look to God in times of trouble and work more at extending grace whenever things aren't going our way.  

I was having a hard time picking a new word for this year until I stumbled across this quote -

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do." - Marianne Williamson

 

I just love this quote. I knew as soon as I read it.... my word for 2013 should be SHINE!

 

Shine can be both a verb and a noun and honestly I want to do both:

 

verb 

• To give forth or glow with light
• To distinguish oneself in an activity or a field; excel
• To be bright with reflected light; glisten; sparkle
• To be or appear unusually animated or bright, as the eyes or face or as feelings like happiness

noun

• A quality of brightness
• Excellence in quality or appearance; splendor

I want to glow with God's love from within.  I want to allow myself to be truly be happy - not be held back with baggage.  I want to be like the girl Alicia Keys and Rhianna are singing about.  I want to be on fire.  I want to shine bright like a diamond!  I used to have that quality but somewhere along the way I grew dim.  I got scared, I pulled back - I forgot how to let go and trust.  This very moment starts a new way of thinking for me.  Shine on.

Christmas 2012!

Christmas was again a blur this year – maybe even more so than in years past. The boys and I had an amazing Christmas. Much, much different than last year’s – thank goodness! Lots of time with friends and family and rushing from here to there but we made it through like we always do. Even with the hustle and bustle and gifts galore my favorite moments with my sweet babies had nothing to do with any of that… cuddling up and reading our Christmas books was special this year – it seemed like the first year that Hudson really listened and sat contently with me reading the familiar stories and we all enjoyed it so much. I loved sleeping under the Christmas tree last week one night – piled up with lots of blankets and Roxy in our little house of three. And when the snow started falling we ran outside from Granny’s house and caught snowflakes with our tongues and just enjoyed the cold silence and giggles for a second before returning to the food, family and noise inside. Our life is ever changing in so many ways. We have more to love and to be loved by than ever before. But even with those changes the everyday little things are still very much the same and for that I am grateful.

Here are some pictures to wrap up the last few weeks...

Pictures from the live nativity scene and Christmas carnival that we go to every year at Woods Chapel:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas lights - this was an awesome neighborhood!  Most of them had lights like this that were like custom fitted for each peak and had designs - not just a plain strand of lights.  They even had one of those houses set to music - it was so cool!

 

 

 

 

Poor Hudson with the flu at the urgent care five days before Christmas.  Thank goodness for Tamaflu and a Sweet Pea to hunt all of south Arlington pharmacies to get it for us!

 

 

 

Trip to Houston with Roy and his boys to see his family.  We made a day trip over to Galveston and shopped The Strand and enjoyed the 75 degree weather!  This was a cute little candy/ice cream shop called La King's.  They make all their own ice cream and salt water taffy - delicious!

 

 

Roy's sister Roxy and her sweet kiddos - Mia and Mason.

 

 

We even found a Zoltar machine like from the movie Big - so fun!

 

 

We spent Christmas Eve at Nana's house and I gave them their big present from me which was an X-Box.  I thought they were going to die of a heart attack they were so shocked!  (It was long overdue to get some technology at my house!)  When we moved in with only the older hand-me-down tube tv from Scott's parents.  I planned last spring to buy a new TV but had just never taken the time to research TVs and do it; then I decided to just wait for the black Friday sales.  It was worth the wait.  I got all of the things we had been wanting for the cost of what I had thought I would pay for just a new TV!  Yay! 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas morning after Santa we headed over to Roy's in our pj's for more gift giving and breakfast!

 

 

 

 

 

I took more pictures but they are on my other memory card and I will have to post them later!

 

This past weekend we went with Nana to Build-A-Bear for our first time ever.  She bought them each a gift card for Christmas so we went and had a blast making them.  It was really a cute concept - can't believe we hadn't done it before!

 

 

 

 

 

 

12-12-12

How can it already be December?!?  Seems like I just started this project and now it's over.  It's been so fun answering these questions each month.  I think I will keep it going next year!  Maybe 13 questions on the 13th? 

 

We ate this for breakfast: The boys had CocoPuffs and I had a LaraBar (apple pie flavor – the BEST!)

This is on our agenda: School and then to Dad’s house for the boys and Roy and I had a date night planned.

This made us laugh: Nolan making morning phone calls to everyone in the family with his new phone – he thinks he is so big.

Last thing we purchased was: CapriSuns that were due for Nolan’s Christmas Party and I took the boys Tuesday night to Christmas shop.  Between the two of them they had $31 and purchased gifts for 26 people – these are HIGH QUALITY items.  lol  I absolutely LOVE to do this with them.  It is HILARIOUS to watch them talk about it and pick out things for everyone.  We started off at Dollar Tree and three places later we were all set! 

This is our favorite song: Nolan has been requesting “Twig in the Wind” by The Presidents (ugh hate this talentless band), Hudson asks for “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys but then acts too cool for it and my fave right now is Justin Bieber – “Christmas Love”

We watched this on TV: No TV for us today!

This is what we are reading: We have been reading all of our Christmas books (we have about 10 and read a couple each night!) – Hudson especially loves to play I Spy with the Do You See What I See Christmas book.

We are looking forward to: This weekend!  We have a ton of fun Christmas stuff planned including Santa, the live nativity at Wood’s Chapel, driving to see Christmas lights, Creative Hands and hopefully a trip to Six Flags for Holiday in the Park!

We ran these errands: I had to pick up a couple of gifts during my lunch and Nolan and Hudson took their teachers’ gifts to school with them this morning!  ‘Tis the season! lol

We ate this for dinner:  Roy and I met up with David and Diane at Saltgrass – yummy!

Today we celebrated: 13 days ‘till Christmas!  Yay!

We are grateful for: Nolan said his new flip phone, Hudson said “his babies” (he has about a million different stuffed animals that he sleeps with) and I would have to say I am so very grateful for this wonderful life that God has given me - especially my beautiful healthy children.  I am so blessed in every aspect!

Mix Mash!

Roy and I started dating at the first of summer. It’s been six months and we have slowly worked our kids into the picture as well. We all knew each other because of church, our bible study group and Divorce Care – so I think that made it an easy and safe in their eyes. Roy even asked Nolan if it would be okay for him to ask me out on a date. So he totally felt a part of the whole relationship from the start. All through the summer we would see Roy and his boys once every other weekend and then at church stuff occasionally. I worried at first how the boys would all do together. Four boys, all three years a part is a big span in ages! But it has gone remarkably smooth!

Ross and Reese are both more quiet and kinda reserved and Nolan and Hudson are hyper and loud – it’s a funny mix of personalities and family dynamics. Of course they are older and do older kid things but when the boys and I come over to the house they are so good about keeping it all “safe” (for lack of a better word) for all ages. Ross is such a good sport and honestly seems to enjoy when we plan kid stuff to do. It’s been so much fun – almost like all of us are dating each other!  LOL. Nolan and Hudson really love spending time with Roy and the boys. They are of course the epitome of “cool” in their little minds. When we are all together, there is a lot of wrestling, video games and playing different sports. Nolan and Reese have the hardest spots in the mix. Reese is used to being the baby and where I can tell he totally likes playing the big brother role – it’s hard when you’re no longer the baby. For Nolan, he is used to being the big brother and telling Hud what to do and basically just running the show. When there are four kids in the mix – he is definitely not in that role anymore either and it’s been the cause of a few conflicts but nothing too crazy. Reese and Ross are really sweet and patient with my boys; I am so thankful for how well they all get along.

Once school started we started seeing Roy and the boys on Thursday nights for dinner since it was our only real free night without football practice and then a few times on each of my weekends. For the past month though, we have really started spending a lot more time all together. Football is over and the boys beg every night to hang out. It’s hard to find a balance. Of course it’s nice to all hang out – but it’s not like we can spend every night together. It’s turned into Nolan actually throwing fits on the nights we don’t see them. Ugh. I have tried to explain that we all have homework, errands and other responsibilities and it’s just not possible to always see each other. It’s becoming increasingly harder to keep our families separate. Just trying to keep it slow and let things happen naturally.

I know why my boys want to be them – it’s not just about Ross and Reese - it’s about their time with Roy too. Roy is so easy going and fun loving – just one of those people that you can’t help but instantly love. He loves kids and is such a kid at heart – I know the boys see this in him. He is happy and positive all the time (almost to a fault!) and together we just have this spark that I think all four of our boys see and are drawn to. We really all have so much fun together – even when something gets stressful we both handle it in the same kinds of ways and are able to resolve it quickly. I get a lot of one on one time with Reese and Ross when I don’t have the boys since they rarely go to their mom’s house. I love them and I am truly beginning to feel like a mother figure to them. They are great kids and I feel lucky to not only have an amazing boyfriend but amazing kiddos too. I could have never dreamed of all of this for myself – it is definitely God led in every sense. His boys also constantly ask when the boys will be back over. When we are all together it really does feel like a whole family. (maybe a crazy, loud and over the top family – but still a complete family) I think that it is something that all of them have missed for the past few years. Scott and I didn’t really do much as a family after March of last year and for Roy’s family it was six months before that. It’s been a long time coming and something we all really enjoy. I think we can appreciate family time in a different way than families that have never gone through divorce.  Roy and I talked a lot about it in the beginning and we never wanted any of the boys to feel overwhelmed or rushed into this relationship but luckily that hasn’t even remotely been an issue.

Raeven and Roy Anthony are also amazing young adults. I know I will never have the same type of relationship with them as I will with the boys but I love the relationship I do have with them. They are funny and loving just like their dad and when they are home we spend the weekend cutting up and joking like old friends.

 I haven’t written much about Roy or our relationship on this blog because for a while I wasn’t sure how to. This blog was created as a place to document Nolan and Hudson’s lives through my eyes. I just kept thinking of Roy and I’s relationship as “our” thing – not a kid thing. But now, especially in the last month or so though – that has shifted. This has become a much bigger part of their lives and hopefully a permanent part of their lives. As we make this shift, I want to write about it and share all of the fun we are having together. Below are a bunch of random pictures from the past few months - not in order and randomly mixed. Too much to blog about individually but still a slice of life I wanted to share!

Pics from a trip out to Catfish Plantation before Halloween - they had so much fun trying to snap a picture of a ghost.

 

 

 

 

 

 Cheeseball day at Granny's house!

 

Tannie's Birthday at Louie Louie Piano Bar

 

 

Reese in his morph suit - though he was so funny!

 

Hudson with Hot Chocolate before one of Nolan's football games!

 

Four boys...Baskin Robins...Happy Campers!

 

 Pics from Denton's birthday party!

 

 

 

 

 Hudson with his Batman Gloves that he had to wear everywhere for a few weeks straight.

 

 Nolan after church at Daddy Abuelos - best Mexican food ever!

 

Giant pumpkin we found at Kroger!

 

 

Nolan's sweet football picture - so big!

 

 The boys at Roy's neighborhood park.

 

My first attempt ever at mum making for Ross' girlfriend Bailee!

 

 

 

 

 

Hudson throwing a fit because I would not let him wear socks and flip flops to Nolan's football practice.

 

 My sweet babies with their babies.

 

 

 Making s'mores in the fireplace at Roy's.

 

Morning coffee - they thought they were SO big.

 

Best buds! 

 

 Date night!

 

 

 A few pics from our trip to Corpus - this is a "Sno-Ball" - something I had heard about for months and finally got to try.  YUMMO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Great Turkey Take Away at church - such a neat and fun service project!

 

Our helpers for delivering the turkey dinners!

 

Roy and I's first attempt at a turkey for Thanksgiving - I bought this special dry brine to rub on the turkey the day before you cook it from William Sonoma.  Roy got stuck with the lovely job of rubbing it down and putting in the brine bag - he sent me a pic over IM to show me it was done.  Cracked me up!  He said it was sooooo gross...glad he did the hard part - it came out perfect!

 

 Thanksgiving morning at Starbucks!

 

 

 My trunk on Black Friday - Mom and Becca's stuff was in here too!

 

Dinner at Pluckers - table for 8!  LOL

 

 My broken toe - ugh.

 

 Nolan's end of season football party!

 

 

 Morning date with Ryleigh and Christi!

 

 Shopping day with Kimmie - best friends for 30 years! 

 

Baking day over at Grandma's house - love this tradition!

 

 

 

 Toe two week later - still bruised all on top of my foot but looking a lot better.

 

Nana's Birthday Dinner

 

 

 

 Aunt B picks the boys up from school once a week and they are always into something fun when I get there to pick them up.

 

 Our trees...love them!

 

 Sweet Nolan before his first Spelling Bee - he did great!  I was so proud that he was in the top 12 spellers of his grade! (he did NOT get that from me!)

 

 

 Roxy is always such a good sport and puts up with anything these boys do to her!

 

Like stacking pillows up on her...

 

 Game night!

 

 My little reader...

 

Pictures I took for everyone's Christmas cards...love this family so much!

 

 Sweet Astraea

 

 

 Little Bonnie