The past few months have been challenging to say the least. To be honest, I have been feeling downright hopeless. Hopeless is a pretty low place to be.
I am usually a “sunshine and roses” kind of person; someone that can find the positives and make the best out of anything. This situation has been very, very different for me. I have been trying very hard to focus my prayers on all of the blessings in my life and to stay positive. Yet day in and day out, I still had this sinking sense of hopelessness. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t receiving the peace that I so desperately wanted. Last week something finally clicked for me. I thought I had been doing the right thing by focusing on my blessings and NOT giving up hope in my marriage. I realize now that by not letting go and accepting my situation, I was still completely stuck and paralyzed in it. Acceptance does not mean I am choosing it – it just means that I am laying it at God’s feet and not holding it in my hands (because I can’t control it anyways). I have been praying for signs and asking for guidance daily. Signs have been directly and profoundly shown to me over and over throughout the past year and yet I refused to see it or believe it. Thing is, I'm not a big fan of change. I love my life just the way it is. The thought of giving up and letting go of my eleven year marriage was more than I could handle. How could that be what God wants for me or my children? I was always taught to fight for what I believe in and to never give up; so to “let go” seems so wrong to me. Seriously this might be the only time I have actually “lost” a fight. I guess that’s why I kept fighting for my marriage long after I should have stopped. I thought that if I accepted the situation and gave up, it somehow made it my decision too. When the truth is, I had already lost him and this fight months ago. I didn’t get to be a decision maker. Whether or not I “accept it” has nothing to do with it happening anyway. Looking back, I know I had to go through all of this. I had to give it my all and know that I did everything I could before I would be able to surrender it to God.
We are so lucky to have such a great support system. There are two sides to every story and our family and friends know that. They all want nothing but the best outcome for our family and have been supportive and loving to both of us through it all. I definitely have needed that support and positive outlook and have been so thankful to have it. Not even once through all of this, have I been given advice to “move-on” or felt like someone took someone’s side. But that’s where things get hard though. I feel like most of our friends and family are still in the “hope” boat. I know that all of this seems so unbelievable but it’s been going on for months. Right or wrong – it is what it is. I feel like I am disappointing everyone by letting go; when really there was nothing to hold on it anymore. It’s over…it’s been over – I just couldn’t accept it before now. I have to move forward and I have to figure out how to not feel ashamed about it. Separation/Divorce – they are very disappointing things but I shouldn’t feel shame in everyone’s disappointment for family. That’s why I felt like I had to finally write about it on my blog. I no longer want to feel like I’m hiding something or living a lie. I’m still struggling, but it’s getting a little better each day.
When I let it all go; I actually found strength and a little hope again. A few months ago, I felt like I had lost my life and all the dreams and plans I had for the future. No wonder I was feeling hopeless! Now I realize I didn’t lose my future; I just don’t know what it is. I am reminded that I’m not in control – none of us are. We fool ourselves into thinking that we have control when we make plans. There is nothing wrong with making plans, we just have to be flexible and continue to have faith when they don’t work out the way we think they should. The unknown is scary but when I put my trust in God and ask for his guidance with each step then I know I am safe and that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
